winds of change. what if's. & love.

So... I've been in a mood for the past couple days.

I catch myself staring for long periods of time. Zoning out in class. Getting silently lost in my thoughts in the middle of a crowded room.

Ya know, that sort of thing.

And, to be honest, I'm not even sure how I wound up here. All I know is that I was about to start a paper and that's when the urge came. Typical.

Basically... I'm in a funk.

Something feels... out of place. And different.

And I'm not sure what. Can't seem to put my finger on it. But it's there. Or it's not. Or.... see what I mean?

But I do know a few things.

Life is hard.
Sometimes what you never thought possible, happens.
Sometimes stuff hurts.
And sometimes we get scared.

All of that happens. Really. It does. In the midst of everything great. And you sit back thinking, "What?" and "How?" And most importantly, "Now what?" 

I feel the winds of change coming.

I drove with the windows down today
The bees are back (building their usual beehive in the tiny crevice between the brick wall and our small apartment window)
Scooters are out
People are wearing shorts
The days are flying by like a kite in mid-June
The loom and threat of finals is lingering over my head
The reality of real life is settling in

She is married...

...and moves to North Carolina in 3 days

She is graduating...

...and not coming back

He is moving to New Jersey for an internship...

And we are on a journey that, through it's ups and downs, could change the rest of our lives....

And sometimes...
all the change, goodbyes, discoveries, and challenges... scare me. Yet some excite me. They make me nervous. And they are definitely throwing me for a loop.

I think what it comes down to is.... can I do this? 

Can I let these winds of change blow through my hair and brush across my cheeks?
Can I stare the hard, hurt, and scary right in the face?
Can I say goodbye and accept the different?
Can I move forward and try something new?

Can I really do this?

As I've sat in this weird.... funk the past couple of days, I guess that's what's been on my mind. 
Because sometimes I'm not sure I can.

What if I can't?
What if it doesn't work?
What if it's too different?
What if it's too hard to handle?
What if this happens, or that, 10 years down the road?

What if. What if. What if?!?

But that's just it. I may not know all the answers. And the funk might not go away (at least for a while..). 

So then what?

Well to all of you out there that might feel even a smidgeon of the same feeling... 

Help me, and I'll help you.

So we can help each other remember that... life isn't about the facts. But rather, the questions we ask... and what we do to discover their answers. 

Come what may, and love it. 

I'm in. 

Join me?

R. 

P.s. I almost forgot. Quote of the day: 

"Love is 100% a choice. You choose to fall into it, and you choose to fall out of it. When you make the choice, you are choosing to love no matter what befalls you."
- Hunsaker

Choose it.

Reflections of Passion, Easter egg hunts, & Love.

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light.
To you, everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14 there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up
Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simpleWon't let nobody hurt you,
Won't let no one  break your heart

And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, 

just never grow up.

***************************************************************
Crack the egg.
Bare feet.
Trampolines.
Ding-dongs.
Swimming pools & floaties.
Rosy cheeks.
Easter egg hunts.
Sleepovers.
Laughter.
Lots & lots of giggles.
Sweet reunions.
Love.
So, so much love.

That's what my weekend was filled with.

All because of this little guy....

Nash Benjamin Nield.  

He brought the whole family together to celebrate his entrance in this beautiful world. And what better day than Easter? Thanks buddy. We love you. Welcome to the family.

(...pretty cute right? I know. Makes my heart melt.)

But let me tell you a story.

It was a Tuesday night. (Okay seriously I don't know what day of the week but it just sounds better so... let's go with it) 

I was overwhelmed. Caught up in the unknown, wrapped up in a million different thoughts, with a million different to-do's engraving themselves in my brain.

And then I heard it.

Dun...dun.....du na na na na.
Dunanana.
Dunanana. na. na. na. NA. 

Reflections of Passion -Yanni.

I found myself tossed back in time...lying in bed, all tucked in, listening to this very song waft up the stairs and into my room; lulling me to sleep. 

Words crowded my mind as the lullaby played on.

Security.
Blankets.
Sweeps.
Imagines.
Soothes.
Loves.
Warms.
Enlightens.

It's like I could see her long fingers sweeping across the keyboard with such ease, and strength. I could almost touch her furrowed brow and watch her tongue rest on her bottom lip with concentration.

And in that moment, she could do no wrong. She knew all. She was brave. Smart. Talented. And beautiful.

But most of all, she was my mom.

And that was all I needed.

That's it. That's the end of the story.

But today, as I sit here after a weekend filled with light, and so much love... I remember that small moment of comfort. From a simple song....that reminded me of such an amazing woman.

Why?

Because this weekend I watched the cycle begin.

With little ones like these...

 

How?

Well... this weekend I watched my sisters soothe a crying child, calm a dying fear, and encourage a new skill.

I watched them love their children.

And I watched as their children's eyes filled with admiration. Admiration they may not even know exists until one day, when they are all alone at work, or school, overwhelmed by their crazy lives. Overwhelmed with responsibility.

And then they too will remember weekends like this one. Where they stared in wonder at the bravery, talent, and beauty of their mothers.

And that might just be all they will need. 

***************************************************************
So today, on this Easter Sunday I am thankful. Thankful for a mother who took the time to be there. Really be there. For sisters who try so hard to be the best they can be. For children who love. So carelessly. So unconditionally. And so much.

But most of all, for a Savior who taught us all how.

Happy Easter to all, and to all a goodnight.

(I'm off to pick up my special someone aka.... this guy...

from a long...very...very long trip away from home!!)