fluff. and grammatical errors.

Sometimes I sit and stare at that little orange B that falls first on my bookmark toolbar:

The Red Umbrella.

Those three words bring so many different emotions.

Sometimes guilt. Because I know it's been so long. I can almost hear it calling my name, begging me to come back. And stay a while.

Sometimes longing to bury my eyes and fingertips in its fresh pages. Renew hope I wasn't sure existed.

Sometimes healing for past wounds and future set backs.

And other times, or rather, most times, utmost gratitude for the countless moments of complete solitude spent discovering some of life's most precious lessons.

And then I go on. not clicking. because i don't know what to say. where to start. how to finish.

So I pass it by.

The guilt in my heart only continuing to grow. The longing of my fingertips twitching with defeat. And the healing of sometimes unknown hurts begging to surround me.

But not today folks.

Today, believe it or not,

i. clicked.

Not because I have something profound to say. Some sort of healing I know I need to experience. And certainly not because I hope the cure of a ruthless headache and angry intestines lies within its walls.

Mostly just because... I want to be here.

right. here.

with you.

After all, we've been through a lot together.

More than anyone or anything else in my life.

And that's saying something- I mean, my childhood dog spent 16 of my 21 years of life being one of the only ones around...

RIP Abby.

anyway.

i dont feel like punctuating. or following any grammatical guidelines.

#sorrybutnotsorry

i just feel like being me. laying in bed with a bun on top of my unwashed hair. my hubs big sweatshirt. and bare feet. in my warm sheets. listening to one direction. and loving it.

okay?

A few things.

I loved halloween. 

And I never even told you about it.

We had a fun halloween party. I made these cute cookies.

And homemade broccoli and cheese soup. it was delicious. shout out to my cousin for the incredible recipe.
 
We were Lucille Ball and Ricky Ricardo. Pretty clever I thought. Yes I am tooting my own horn. But really I'm not because it was my blondie's brilliant idea. So I'm tooting his horn. ew not like that gross.

Check it out:

Oh and Christmas? best one yet. One of my fav's from the night:

I love him. And Christmas with him was.... literally magic. One I won't ever forget.

Annnnnd... it's almost Valentine's Day.

I'm kinda excited.

Okay scratch that. i'm ecstatic.

which is weird.

cuz i am usually not that big of a v-day fan.

but i kind of get excited to celebrate the fact that i've got a bestie to love. and one that loves me.

so i guess that makes me really excited.

happy february.

I have been doing really good at not biting my fingernails lately. so good i painted them red. and we all know i can't do that unless they are pretty long or else they just look like sausage fingers. so... be impressed.

i've gained 5 pounds since christmas. just throwin it out there. sometimes i try and convince myself it's only 4 but that's basically only first thing in the morning when my stomach is eating itself so... 5 it is. just love me. i'm working on it okay?

Oh speaking of, I am doing Zumba. and it is hilarious. Last week we did Gangham Style. Needless to say, Tuesday and Thursday have become some of my new favorite nights.

Besides the fact Dave doesn't get home till 10:40 pm. go basketball!!

Oh and we are going to Hawaii in T-minus 4 months and 14 days.

that's all i can say right now or I might pee from excitement.

sorry dad, i meant "wet"...

basically what i'm trying to say is: life is good.

not any easier than usual. just straight up good.

joy in the simple things.

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise... The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." 

- President Gordon B. Hinckley

Thanks for finding joy with me when I couldn't find it alone. Thanks for caring. Thanks for being who you are.

you and me will forever be connected.

The Red Umbrella. 

Ah. 

Today- it's relief. and a sense of home in the realest (grammatical errors are okay remember?) way possible. 

from my bed to yours,
see you again soon my friend.

very.

very.

soon.

R.