Ashton Jack Crosby.

It's been 9 long months of waiting....

9 months of "I wonders."

9 months of painting, sanding, sewing, moving, and redecorating.

9 months of anticipation.

All for this one day. The day this perfect little boy would enter our world, and join our family....

And I will tell you, after holding this perfect, sweet, flawless little boy in my arms- it was all worth it. All the waiting, all the "what if's", all the wonder.

He was worth it. All of it. Just to see his tiny fingers and tiny toes. His soft skin and silky hair. His perfect eyes and perfect nose. To feel the enormous amount of love I immediately had for him the moment I saw him. How much I knew he was a part of our family.

I couldn't be more proud of my sister. She carried this little angel for 9 months. Suffered through the sleepless nights, uncomfortable...everything, emotional rollercoaster, and serious case of nesting. She got him here. And I am so glad we could all be part of the ride. Because that is what sisters are for.

So welcome our sweet little Ashton. I can't wait to watch you grow. I can't wait to see you smile for the first time, and rock you to sleep. I can't wait to see you take your first step and say your first word. I can't wait to watch you grow. And be your friend.

Because I love you.

(And so does she!!)

Mentors International Banquet- 2010.

So last Friday (As in two days ago....) my dreams were fulfilled. Okay, okay not my entire life's dream or goals/aspirations.... but a certain dream that I never ever ever thought would be fulfilled.

Everyone has that special someone they know they will never meet but secretly somewhere deep down....they've always dreamed they would.

Yeah well, so do I. And his name happens to be David Archuleta.

Okay, okay I know. So cliche. The "Archuleta craze." But it's not the 14-year-old infatuated obsession type of thing. I don't want him to sign my arm, or touch my hand so I can swear I'll never wash it again. I don't want a piece of paper with his name on it just to stare at for the rest of my life. I don't want a poster of him hanging in my room. I don't think he's the most attractive person to walk the planet, and I don't want to run off and marry him.

Well, anymore at least.... I promise!!

Now I would just want to talk to him. Tell him he is amazingly talented. That he has a gift for music. A gift that inspires people, gives them confidence that things will get better. His music has changed me. No seriously, I really mean that. Call me creepy, or called me obsessed, but it's true. Music does something to me. It aids me when I feel sad, heals me when I feel broken. It inspires me to do something good, to be better. It gives me perspective, helps me look at the big picture. It's beautiful. It's amazing. And David.... his music does all that for me.

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is- I'd want to thank him. Thank him for what he's done for me, and so many others. And tell him to never stop- because people depend on him. To inspire, and continue touching their lives.

But Friday, October 8th 2010... my dream of meeting that "someone special" was fulfilled. And now I will sound like the infatuated 14-year-old. Because all I really got to do was say "good luck" before he sang.... and "great job" when he finished. And have him look at me and smile at me. Pretty ridiculous I know.

But I guess the reason it was so cool was because I realized something. He is just like me. He feels awkward with all the attention on him...doesn't love speaking in public...always has his family by his side. He is just a normal person using his talent to change lives. And that is what truly inspired me. Because although I will never be famous, and never have a national album put out.... I can inspire people. Just by those small and simple things. Just like he inspired me.

So if you got nothing else out of this blog post than my obsession for a celebrity... at least take this. Look at that special someone for you. I know... it's probably not David Archuleta- and that's perfectly fine. But realize what it is that inspires you. And inquire that in your own life. Share your talents. Stand your ground. Give what you have to others who don't have the same. Be that person you admire. Because odds are.... they really are just like you.

I just happen to have evidence to prove it :)....

The best miracle of them all.

Although my heart has broken as I've lost not only a friend, but a much-loved cousin...today I witnessed miracles.

I felt peace knowing he is happy- and safe. I felt satisfaction knowing he has finally found all the answers he was so earnestly seeking. I felt renewed faith that I will see him again. I felt the love of my family as they wrapped their arms around me, and cried with me. And I felt joy knowing I can be with them forever.

Today I watched two parents say goodbye to their son. I watched a two brothers say goodbye to a hero. I watched a sister kiss goodbye a best friend. And a twin, for the last time, squeeze the hand of a life long companion.

But I also watched a family boist each other up, and hold each other together. I watched a them unite, and turn a tragedy into a celebration of life. I watched God's love touch countless lives, and comfort aching souls.

Today I felt the love of God. And I know, that although Alec's life here has ended, his eternal journey has just begun. Today I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it will be okay. Because he is happy. And he wants me, he wants us, to be too.

Today I felt a burden lifted, and a warming comfort set in. Comfort in family. Comfort in God.

Surrounded by family, and by so many of Alec's friends, I felt stronger. We laughed together, as we reminisced memories of Alec. We smiled at the thought of where he is now. And we truly celebrated the incredible life he lived, and the lives he touched.

And these....

....are the times I will always remember, when I think of him. So yes, today I witnessed many miracles. But having a cousin like Alec, truly was the best miracle of them all.

Stars, They Shine.

Some stars that we see have already died...but we still need their light to brighten up our night. Sometimes they're all we have.

Have you ever layed on a blanket, on a tramp, on the grass, in a meadow, in a truck, in the mountains, in a boat on a lake, on the sand, on the dirt.....anywhere, and looked at the stars?

I have. I could do it for hours. Every night. And never get bored. I love stars.

There are nights like this, where you watch the first star come out...

And there are nights like this where you can't find a bare spot in the sky...

But either way, there are stars.

How often can you lay underneath a blanket of stars and not think? And I don't mean about that cute boy in your high school math class, or what you are going to make your kids for dinner the next day. I mean really think. About life. About what it's all about here.

How often do you lay there sorting through feelings and listening to thoughts you may not have otherwise? How many times do you have the chance to block the world out, and let yourself think and feel again? Without any stress. Without any distraction.

Stars do something to me. They amaze me. Their absolute beauty.

The way its as if they twinkle the longer you look at them.

It's as if they illuminate the entire sky, yet, they are so far away.

So all we can do is lay there. And look at them. Let them amaze us.

Let our minds think. Or let them rest. And let our hearts feel. Feel peace.

I want to tell you about another kind of star. The kind of star that you don't have to be laying on a blanket on the grass to see. The kind of star that doesn't fade as the sun rises. And doesn't shine only when the night is dark.

The kind of star that you not only love, but that can love you back. The kind of star that makes you laugh, and smile. The kind of star that will never stop shining, even after it has burned out.

And the kind of star you will never find anywhere else.

His name is Alec. He is my cousin. My friend. My star.

And although he is gone, I will forever need his light to brighten up my night.

And today, as I prepare to celebrate his life with family, I want to pay a small tribute. To you Alec. For being that kind of star in so many lives. For touching everyone you met. For making a difference. And for leaving your footprint on my heart. Because I will never be the same.

So to you Alec, I want to say thank you. Thanks for being you. Thanks for laughing with me.

I will never forget waiting to sit on your lap very last, because I knew I couldn't get through even one round of "I love you baby but I just can't smile," without completely losing it. Or the hours spent playing "Pit" and "Spoons." I cherish the memories of us racing to Grandma's to show each other our coolest new Christmas present. I will miss our breakfasts of "floaters" and "slyrrup." Thank you for the deep conversations where you shed light on me. Thank you for your amazing insight, and the wisdom far beyond your years. I know I am a year ahead in school, but we all know there is no advice I could have given you that you didn't already know. Or had already given me. You are incredibly smart, and gifted. Use those gifts and that knowledge now. Continue to learn. And continue to teach me.

I will miss your laugh, and your kind heart. Your determination and love for learning. I will miss you. Everything about who you are. I already do. And if I can make a small request? Please be with me. Be with all of us. Your family. So we can continue to experience life together. And please don't forget how much your family loves you. I love you. And we all still need your light.

May you continue to touch others there as you have touched us here.

Love always,

Rach.