Chocolate Chip Cookies.

My head pounded as we slowly dragged behind, with the swishing and bobbing of the waves bouncing my body up and down, up and down.
When we finally came to a stop I watched her jump off and swim in.
"I need to go" I thought.
I knew they were waiting on me.
But I was just so tired. And the boat seemed so far.
I heard them call.
With all the strength in my body I hurled myself off the edge and kicked myself in. 
The water felt like tar. 
I could barely move through it.
I heaved myself onto the deck.
I was so tired. Why was I so tired? 
"I need to get inside" I thought.


And then it went black.


Confusion. So much confusion. 
What had happened? Who were all these faces staring at me? Why am I shaking? Why was it so bright?  


Again, it went black. 


Muffled voices. So many muffled voices. I couldn't recognize any of them. 
How did I get here? Why am I breathing like this? 
What's happening to my body? Why can't I move?


"Rachel. Rachel you need to drink." 


Okay, I'll drink.


The tingling started in my eyes, trickled down my face through my mouth across my chest down both arms through both legs and out my feet. 
I couldn't move. I couldn't move my tongue. I couldn't even open my mouth. Or my eyes.
My hands were frozen by my chest. 


"Rachel, you need to drink."


Don't they understand I can't drink. I can't move my tongue. I can't feel my mouth.
Wait a second, who even said that anyway? Why don't I know who that was.


Black.


"....know that you are surrounded by friends and family, and those who love you...."


Janae.
Mark.
Heather.
Janae.
...Janae....


Finally, I feel myself relax a bit. 
Her hand was in mine. I could feel her whisper in my ear.


WHAT is happening to me. Why do I feel so weird.


"Rach, I love you so much, you can do this, you're gonna be okay, I love you so much."


That was enough. She was there and would take care of me. 


Black.


I was cold, so cold. What was this sick juice? How much had I drank already? Why couldn't I be done drinking?  


They were rubbing the tingling out of my legs. My feet. My arms. My hands.


I was gasping for normal breath. 


"Slow breaths Rachel, SLOW breaths."


Okay, slow. 
Slow.
......In......out.....sip. 
.....In.....out.....sip.


Black.


I could feel my tongue. My mouth relaxed. 
My eyes teased open. SO bright. Ouch.
They teased again.
Janae. Heather.


And then without warning, the words escaped.
"I have to pee."


Relief flooded the room.


What happened to me?


She was here. I would be okay. She was here and wasn't going to leave.


**************************************************************

My sister called me yesterday.
"Rach, do you have a blog?"
I knew it was coming.
The excuses came pouring through the phone and I'm not sure she heard any of them.
Which she shouldn't have.
Or else I probably wouldn't be here.
And I need to be here.

I've started 3 different posts. On 3 different days.

But today is the day.

My heart is full.
So many different emotions are running through my veins.
And for once, I can actually explain them.

Appreciation.
Bliss.
Excitment.
Wonder.
Confusion.
Fear.
Understanding.
Respect.
Anxiety.
Love.
Pain.
Grattitude. So much grattitude.
And so much more.

This past month has been filled with so many different experiences. Feelings. And emotions.

Nights spent on the back of Argo with the warm August wind dancing through my sun-kissed hair knowing without a doubt that the bond I share with her is unbreakable.

Days spent re-reading the words from my best friend that have gotten me through the last 2 years of my life.
Phone calls of utter sorrow I've spent listening in on with a hurting heart as I witnessed the desperation in my brother's frightened voice.
Glimpses of the wondrous universe God has created under the stars of Lake Powell wondering if any place could be more beautiful.

And a moment so raw, and so sincere, I will not only never forget but because of which I will never again be more grateful for life, and for what it gives me.

That's the kind of month it has been.

But really, what am I saying? That's what life is.

I've realized a lot in this past month.

A lot about emotions. About what family really means. About the love I'm capable of feeling, and having. About what a true friend really is. About the tender mercies of God. About the bond cousins really can share. About the beauties of this Earth. And about myself. As a person. What I want to be. What I can do and where I can go with the help of Him who knows me.

And now, as I sit on my (not so soft) apartment bed, in the cold basement, surrounded by piles of undone's and bags of need-to-be-unpacked's... I know I can get through this next month.

No matter how many questions, unknown's, challenges, and joys it brings.

Because life isn't about the finished batch of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
It's about the snitches, the little more of this, and the one more pinch of that, along the way.

It is about the sunsets, stars, and childhood dreams.
It's about playing in the waves and hearing the little ones laugh.
It's about family coming together praying for miracles to be brought to pass.
It's about hope. And never giving up.

Life is about the the small things.
Because "by small and simple things are great things are brought to pass."

*************************************************************

"Rach, I love you so much, you can do this, you're gonna be okay, I love you so much."

I trusted her. I was okay. I was going to be okay.