Sawaddii Kha.

Once upon a time I went to Thailand.

What?

That doesn’t just happen. People don’t just go to Thailand.

They don’t actually ride elephants and hold baby tigers.

That only happens in movies…or at all. (Let’s be honest, anything remotely cool like that is only seen as the cover page of National Geographic…which nobody ever actually reads)

Oh wait. Except sometimes. 

To people like me. 

Very, very blessed people like me. Not because I am celebrity status or because I have a million bucks (which is definitely not the case…considering my grocery list consisted of milk and bread my last month of school…). 

Believe me…it took lots and lots of fundraising, work whenever possible, tax returns [thank you parents for not claiming me as an independent] and Santa Claus, to get me here. But I’m here. All because somehow, some way it all worked out. Someone upstairs knew it would change my life. He knew I would learn and grow in ways I would never experience otherwise.

And it’s true…beyond true. I am in Thailand. And it is a miracle. The tastes, the smells, the people, the culture, the way of life. Everything. It’s all incredible. And never ceases to amaze me.

Now. Since there is absolutely no possible way I would ever be able to explain everything I am experiencing and doing in one simple blog post...or even two...or three, I am going to share some highlights. Some feelings. Some thoughts. You know, the usual (I mean that’s what a blog is for right? I think that means I have all blogging rights to shpeal my feelings). 

So, let me tell you a couple things about Thailand.

First things first… the people. The way they not only smile and wave everywhere we go (although that might have something to do with the white skin and drenched, sweaty clothes…) but the way they bow and show respect every time they greet us. Seriously? Have Americans ever done that?

Next, the food. I am not going to lie, the food terrified me at first. Why? Because the first time I ever ate Thai food I had tears running down my cheeks and water pouring into every crevice of my mouth trying to wash out the burn from the millions of spices. And because the smell has a somewhat nauseating affect. And because….okay, okay you get the point.  

S C A R E D. 

However, to my surprise, so far…so good. For the most part that is. I still have a few encounters like this…..

Yes...that is fried FULL bodied fish next to half of a raw fish body

....enough said.

…..but what do ya do? Plug your nose and pray for strength? Seems to be working a little...so far.

However, maybe that's also because I've had encounters like this....

 .... so I guess that evens it out right?

Now, besides the people and the food....probably the most incredible of all is- the adventures. The possibilities are endless. I came here to “change lives.” To “bring people out of poverty” and feel part of that “change” myself. Well yes, I will be doing all of that. But it’s more than that. It’s everything about this green, gorgeous land and sweet people. It’s soaking in every minute of the ups and the downs. That is what is making this experience.

It’s not easy. Actually, it’s flippin hard. I have never sweat so much in my entire life. I have never felt this kind of heat…this exhausting, consuming, relentless heat. I have never been so thirsty. I have never slept on a “bed” so hard...on the ground. I’ve never woken up bruised from the hardness of the “mattress.” I’ve never wished to be bug-free so, so incredibly bad. 

But I’ve also never had so much amazing fruit. I’ve never seen any place so green. I’ve never seen banana bunches and jack fruits the size of watermellons hanging from the trees. I’ve never held a baby tiger while I nursed it with milk. I’ve never ridden an elephant. I’ve never watched a Thai sister try with all her might to teach a relief society lesson in English just so that I could understand. I’ve never laughed so hard at so many different things. I’ve never come to love my family so much (surprising since I’m pretty sure everyone and anyone who has ever read my blog knows just how much I love my family..) and appreciate those 3 minute phone calls. 

There are so many I’ve never’s. There are good ones. There are not so great ones. And there are hard ones. But I love them all. And I can’t tell you enough how much I am looking forward to waking up every single day here in this beautiful country. Yes, I am far from home. No, I don’t have a phone, or hardly any contact with the outside world. Yes, the food is weird, and the weather is unbearable. But I am here. Soaking it in. Every slice of mango and sip of water.

So here we go. Let’s do this. Let’s live like we’ve never lived. Let’s breathe deeper and walk slower. Let’s take pictures and write things down. Why? Because we are in Thailand. Yep that’s right. I know, I know. You are sitting there thinking “actually I’m sitting here staring at a computer screen..” but already that means you have stepped into this little journey with me. “Please fasten your seatbelts, and turn off all electric devices until otherwise notifie….” Oh woops, sorry still have cheesy flight attendant voices and airplane videos running through my brain (can you blame me? I only flew for over 22 straight hours…)

I promise to walk you through. Maybe not inch by inch, but yard by yard. The big stuff. The small things. And together, we will experience the world.

Now, sit back and relax as you glide through the foreign land of Thai.

Welcome to Safari WORLD

Yes, I REALLY held that tiny little guy. SO cute.

A temple at the Royal Palace

View from Baiyoke Tower

 Now on to elephants....

And that's all for now. Stay tuned for more....I’m off to sleep on my rock hard box spring. Wish me well.

Sawaddii Kha,

R.

Read at your own RISK...

Warning: I am about to vent. And complain. A bit. So, you may want to stop here. It could get pretty tiring....I know how it feels to listen to negative all the time. Annoying. So, I promise I'll end it with a cherry on top. If you can make it through.

Here goes.

This week month...stinks.
Yep, no sugar-coating or fake smiles about it.
It just plain sucks (pardon me)
But really....School is so dang hard.
Why does it have to be so hard? (I know, I know so I can "learn from it and gain a greater knowledge of life experiences." But I get enough of that- without even touching foot in the academic section)

Oh, and guess what? I leave for a Thailand in 3 1/2 weeks.
Oh yeah- I'm going to Thailand. Did I mention that? For 7 weeks.
Oh yeah, and I leave during finals week. Did I mention that?
Oh yeah, and I have a 13 page paper, 10 page paper, Research paper, and 73 slide powerpoint due in the next 2 weeks. Did I mention that?
Yeah I know. Makes me wanna throw up too.

P.s. I just read 125 pages. Yuck.

Oh and also,

My brain is imploding.

Did I mention that?

But seriously....it feels like it.

It's that helpless-hopeless feeling. Like when you are so hungry you scarf down your entire meal in seconds and then eat 2 desserts and anything else within reach because you were that hungry...(breathe) and then it hits you. Like a brick to the face. And there's nothing you can do. You just plain ate too much. And it freakin hurts.

Yep, that's what's happening. But in my head.

I go to sleep at night and my brain doesn't turn off. I dream of to-do lists and due dates.
That's disgusting.
Really.
Not to mention I'm so sick of string cheese and Sweet N' Salty bars. (Not quite sick of cereal yet- that'll probably be next week- serious, have you tried these? They are SO good)
But when you spend day after day in the library...what other snack food is there?

So that's that. I've officially complained. I'm not depressed. Actually, the tone of this post is quite matter-of-fact.

I. Am. Stressed. And overwhelmed. 

But I'm doing it. Somehow. The clock is still ticking and my life is still going. I'm just unbelievably busy. And not exactly loving it. And that's what's on my mind this Tuesday afternoon.

Oh and another thing,

Why is it that every spring everyone falls in love?
Just curious.

 Oh and something else. I am missing this guy today....

 

 

         

            

            

           

          

          

        

... Just cause. 

Oh and, as promised, for the cherry on top: 

Just in case you are having a day, week, or month like mine...

Check these out. They might actually get you through your day.. because they are getting me through mine.

 

Okay. That's all. I promise.

Happy Tuesday :)

Alarms Clocks, Wet Socks, and Mahatma Gandhi.

I love a lot of things. 

But. I don't like some things. 

Like wet socks. 

And slow drivers in the carpool lane (Honestly! You get in the carpool lane to go faster in the first place and there you sit- crawling along with no out because you're trapped in by those solid white lines that you would "only cross when there aren't any cops." Not a whole lot of things worse than that. Except maybe driving with 4 backseat drivers. Ahem sisters...)

Or the sound of balloons popping.

Or being sung happy birthday to in a restaurant. (That ties with the carpool lane. It's excruciating.)

Or biting my nails and picking off my nail polish. 

You know you have some too. Big ones. Small ones. Things that bug you. Habits you wish you could break. 

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Sometimes I have random ideas. Sometimes I hear something and the wheels inside my mind start turning before I can even process what exactly I heard. Confused yet? Hear me out. 

Some people have it  with numbers or chemistry (like my brother....he's a genuis.) 

And some people don't.

Some people have it with cooking. They can take one sip of soup and know exactly what it needs to make it that much better (like my sister-in-law..)

Some people have it with design. They can walk into a room and know exactly what would brighten it up, make the contrasts sing, or make it feel as cozy as a fire in the middle of winter. (Like my sister...)

And some people don't. 

Some people can see a wound, hear a cough, or feel a hot forehead and immediately know the cure. (Like my other sister...)

Some people hear the first three notes of a song and immediately feel the rhythm in their bones and move as it brings life to their entire body (like, yet again, my sister...). 

Some people always know what to say, and what never to say without being told. 

Some people can make the puzzle pieces of life seem to fit perfectly together through a simple hug, or a look filled with understanding and empathy (like my mom...)

And then there's people like me. 

People who have none of that. People who feel all of that, but can't portray it in any of those ways. 

So we result to what we can do. We lean on what helps us cope. What reveals hidden answers and important life lessons. 

We write. 

Not for you (sorry, no offense intended), or him, or her, or them. Not for the world, or for our closest friends. Not even for ourselves. But for something even bigger. For creation and hope. For love and for understanding. 

We write to feel. 

And last night, it happened. That thing I was telling you about. I had an epiphany. Thoughts, words, sentences filled my mind faster than I could even blink my eyes. I was talking to an old friend, carelessly reminiscing through fond memories and talking about pointless nothings that always seem important in our minds, when he said  something he would never know struck me in the way it did. I found profound wisdom in his simple words. He said something along the lines of, "Alarm Cocks. Nobody likes them, yet everyone has one."

And it's so true. I know it's a weird thought, but think about it. 

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Remember those things I told you I don't like? Remember those things you thought of yourself? 

How many things do we have and do that we wish we didnt.  How many of those things do we wish we could pack up and throw away?  I mean, we all have some of those don't we? (Please tell me you do...or else I have some serious issues to work on...)

How often to we want change and actually do something to make it happen?

Yeah same here. Not often enough. 

So my thought for this week? 

My life is full of it. Ironically enough, the one thing that is actually constant in my life is change. I love it. And I hate it. (Sorry dad, I meant strongly dislike...)

It breaks me apart yet puts me back together. 

When I was a child I would change my outfit at least 5 times in a day. And I loved it.

And then I started growing up. And more changed. My hair got a little bit darker. My legs a little bit longer. My teachers a little bit nicer. 

When I went to high school more changed. My friends went different directions. My siblings moved different places. My clothes got a little bit tighter (Girls- didn't you hate when that happened? Oh the blasted curse of curves..) And I didn't love it so much. 

And now here I am. Years later. And my life has continued to change in miraculous ways. My heart has been broken, yet I've loved more than I ever thought possible. My eyes have seen things I never knew existed. My mind has grown in capacities I never imagined achievable. 

And all of that, has changed me. All of that, has made me stronger. Helped me grow and learn.

So here I sit. Thinking, wishing, hoping for and about change. 

Try it- I dare you.

What has changed you? 

What alarm clocks do you have in your life? 

What wet socks can you throw away? 

What habits can you break? 

What can you change...for the better? 

What will you do to change it?

Decide. Take a chance. Make it happen.  

And so will I.

And together, we will change the world. One alarm clock at a time. 

"We must be the change we wish to see in the world."

                                                  -Mahatma Gandhi

A Drought. A Best Friend. And a Glass of Cold Water.

I've been in a drought.

Have you ever ran out of water on a hike? What about in Lake Powell? Or anywhere in the desert for that matter?
Remember what that feels like? It's the kind of drought that leaves every pore of your body begging for help. For shade. For water. Oh if you could only have water.
The kind of drought that makes your lips crack and your throat burn.
The kind of drought that makes your eyes feel like they are slowly becoming dryer...and dryer... and dryer every time you blink.
(The kind of drought that happens everytime you even step one foot outside of your house in July in Phoenix...)

Remember that intensity? That cringe and crave for relief?

Well that's how I feel. Serious. That's how intense this drought has been for me. I haven't blogged in over a month. That's ridiculous. It's overwhelming. And frustrating.

I just can't write. And the most frustrating part is that I have so much to say...yet when I sit down I stare at a blank screen. And I have no idea how to get it out. I don't know where to start. Or how to finish. I don't know what to share or how to share it.

So.... I haven't.

I've avoided The Red Umbrella all together.

Rude. I know.

But it reminded me of how incapable I was. It reminded me of how empty I felt without it. It reminded me of how badly I wanted to come back.

So. I decided it's time to man up. I can't run from it forever. Drought or no drought, inspiration or no inspiration....I am going to write.

Writing is a de-tox for me. It unwinds my brain, separates my thoughts, and helps me see things a little bit clearer. It has a place in me and I in it. It's part of me, yet it takes me somewhere completely outside of myself. Weird I know.
I love it because there are no rules. I can put a period wherever I want.... or I don't even have to put one at all. No one tells me how to do it. No one corrects me. No one directs me. It's the one thing I get to do all on my own. Because I create it.
I get to make mistakes and figure things out in my own way. And it never has to be the same. It changes daily. Sometimes it flows nicely. Other days it comes in chunks. But that's totally okay. Because I change daily. Sometimes I'm well put together and other days I'm a mess. And I never know which it's going to be until my fingers hit the keyboard and I lose myself in my words. I never have an end at the beginning. And I never have a beginning until the end. It's an incredible revelation of self, of feelings, and experiences. It makes me me.

So let's see what it tells me today. Let's see what's deep down inside me wanting to come out.

First thing that comes to my mind.

This guy....

No- he's not my boyfriend. Take a breather. Now try again.

Nope, not even someone I'm dating. I don't do that much these days (it's okay to laugh- I've come to terms with the fact! Really, not even a big deal.)

[Oh and he has a very cute girlfriend that happens to be one of my very good friends :)]

His name is Jon. And he's my best friend.

I know I say that a lot. But this guy, he's truly somethin else. 

There are not too many people you can say you've known since kindergarten. And even less that you are actually still friends with. But hardly any you can call best friend. That's why I'm so lucky. 

So let me share.

I was having one of those days. Weeks. Couple weeks.....

I was busy. I was tired. Exhausted would be more accurate. I had 110 things to do, and not nearly enough time to do them. My mind was constantly racing. There were deadlines and due dates. There were birthdays and weddings. There was always this...and always that.

And then there was me. 

Feeling a little bit...inadequate. Not just because of the never-ending "To Do" list. But because it just so happened that all my roommates got boyfriends. And it just so happens that they're all on the cheer squad. So it just so happens they're gone a lot. Together. And it just so happens that my face broke out. And it just so happens that those few extra pounds just won't go away. No matter how hard I try. And it just so happens....you get the point. 

I haven't been feeling great. I haven't been depressed or anything, don't get me wrong...but I haven't been feeling great either.

Which is where HE comes into play. 

Example #1: It was a Friday night and I had just finished my 5 page paper. My roommates were all on dates. (Too bad I wasn't cut out for spirit fingers and pom poms eh?) My family was in St George spending a fun weekend together. And I was here. Feeling a little bit lonely. 

So I slipped into my sweats and flipped on the TV in an attempt at giving my brain somewhat of a rest. And that's when he called. Even though I tried to hide it, he could hear the sadness in my voice and said he'd be there in 10 minutes to pick me up. No if and's or buts about it. And he was. 

We spent the night with friends talking and laughing (and eating our favorite treats...). And that night when I came home, I couldn't help the tears from coming. Tears of overwhelming gratitude. Gratitude for a friend like him. Gratitude that he cared. That he truly cared that much about me.

Example #2: Today. But let's start with last night. Last night was just like any other. I had had a long day of homework, but spent the night at my best friend Mary's apartment, and it was really fun. I made Peanut Butter Fingers.. so naturally, when I got home, I called Jon over. We sat and ate and talked for two hours. 

He made me laugh. Yet we both almost cried (which believe me- NEVER happens!).

He could sit and listen to me talk for hours...and I could do the same with him. Because everytime we do I walk away feeling refreshed. Feeling like I have it all a little more figured out. Like it all makes a little more sense. 

...And today, I woke up to a text like this:

"...let's be honest I am the luckiest guy to have the most beautiful, amazing, caring, talented, and perfect girl in my life and that is you. I wouldn't be anywhere without you. I know that." 

He proceeded to tell me the guy I date will be "the luckiest guy on this planet. Everyone knows that, especially me. I love you rach. I promise everything will be fine..."

And that is why I get on my knees every single night with a heart overflowing with gratitude. For angels like him in my life. For family like mine who complete me. For blogs that inspire me. For writing that expresses me. For a mom who does everything for a me. For a dad who helps me in the midst of his crazy life. For a sister who laughs with me. For a niece that is always ecstatic to see me. For a brother who talks me through some of life's hardest lessons. 

And most of all for a loving God who gives me all of it. For a Savior who understands me, and loves me unconditionally. No matter what deadline I miss or what date I'm not asked on. He loves me enough to never give up on me. 

And that is enough to get me through life's toughest droughts. It's enough to make me want to be better. Try a little harder. Love a little more. And worry a little less. 

So until next time Mr. Drought, I'm off to drink my big glass of cold water.

Ta ta for now.