Just friends.

I guess all it takes is a clean slate.

A blank page.

A 10 minute break.

To make me feel... whole.

This is where I belong. I love it here.

Right here.

It's every part of me wrapped into one blank page with one flashing cursor eagerly waiting to be expressed.

And sometimes all it takes to get here, are twinkling lights, a soft Christmas song, and stubbed toes.

What do I mean?

Sometimes, Dave and I dance. Okay, a lot of times.

But it's only sometimes we stop the dishes. Leave the food on the table. And dance.

****************************************************************************************

Mary was the first of three
Long black hair and sugar sweet
Daddy's eyes & momma's crooked smile

He takes my hand in his. And pulls me from my chair. I can't help but blush because I am such a bad dancer. But then I smile because.. so is he.

He smirks.

I fall all over again.

And give in.

She was barely seventeen
Got a job keepin dishes clean
Planned to stay in this city for a while
For a while

We are swaying, jerking, swaying, stepping on toes, and trying again. But tonight, something about the way he gently holds my hand and breathes slow captivates me.

Joseph ran a lumber yard 
About a mile from Olive Park
Quiet boy, he never had much to say 

I step on his toes.
I laugh.
He smiles and keeps going.

It was love right from the start
He bought a ring and won Mary's heart
Had hopes for a home and kids someday
Kids someday

The angel scared her half to death
She would've screamed but she lost her breath
On a midnight there in the middle of May

He said "Oh Mary, don't be afraid
You'll bear a son that the Lord has made
Name him Jesus, He'll light the way"

We move in the dark with nothing but candles lit and tree lights twinkling. Time almost stops. My gratitude for his friendship simply overwhelms me. My breath slows just thinking about it. The pressure in my chest rises. He looks at me- straight in the eyes. No shame. No awkwardness. Nothing to hide. Simple. Warm. And blue.

So very blue.

She packed the clothes, he made the plans
They had to go to Bethlehem
But there was nowhere left to stay

So in a barn she gave birth
To the King of Kings, the Lord of Earth
Just a little bitty thing sleeping on the hay
Sleeping on the hay

He wraps both arms around me just enough to let me know he's there. 
And keep me swaying.
My head rests in the nook on his chest where it fits just right. 

The story's too long to tell
But He walked on water and lived through hell
Killed on a cross and rose from the grave

We got a King, they got a Son
Mary and Joseph were the only ones
There on that very first Christmas day
 

There on that very first Christmas day

The moments and memories flood through my mind so strong I have to close my eyes. 

He loves me.
He will never let me down. (When it counts... wrong-sized shirt so does not count)
He accepts me. Every single part.

And he will forever be my friend.

Forever.

*****************************************************************************************************

They were small moments. Moments in a small, quiet, dimly lit apartment that changed me. Just a little bit. Moments I will cherish for eternity. Really.

What's the point?

I guess that I realized, for the billionth time, yet the first in so many ways, how sincere of a friend he is. He cares about me, as his friend. Which means something considering he is my husband. Ya know?

I know I know. It's confusing yet makes so much sense all at the same time. (Kinda how my brain operates...)

All the years, the turned down dates, denied kisses, weasled-out-of-snuggles, more turned-cheek kisses... because we were "just friends" were all worth it. The countless days and nights spent sharing secrets, getting snowies, star gazing... making s'mores, going on trips, arguing- and figuring out problems... were all worth it. Because we developed something I am grateful for now more than ever.

A friendship. And I mean a real friendship.

A friendship that requires I give my all, and let him give his. That gives him strength to hold me while I cry, no sob, in his arms. One that helps me allow myself to do that.

A friendship that sends us in fits of laughter over... whatever. One that smooths out the most awkward of situations. And comforts just because we're there.

One that takes work. Lots of it. One that motivates. Encourages. Redirects. Listens. Understands. Expresses. Loves. And sacrifices. A lot.

Just to keep it going. Because it's that worth it.

Those small, sacred moments moved me that cold December night. Filled me with motivation to be a better friend.

Because if I could ever be the friend he is to me... I will have succeeded in one of the greatest treasures of life.

R.

august air.

It's here. finally.

My favorite month of the year.

And no, it's not just because it holds my birthday.

Or D's birthday.

Or even our anniversary.

(Yes, we realized that...)
 
There's just something about it. Something that ruffles my feathers and lays them back down the way they were always supposed to lay.

It's the lightening storms and warm rain.

The warm wind that literally sends one thousand kisses all over my cheeks, through my hair, and across my nose.

The way the sun sits on the tops of the mountains like whip cream on hot chocolate. Like they were always meant to be together.

I had a moment the other night.

An August moment.

I was completely and one hundred percent-ly (go with it) satisfied. Swept up. Mezmorized.

The beauty of the mountains. Rays of sun. Pink clouds. Pastel skies. Clink-clink-brrrriiiinnnng of baseball bats. Green, green grass. Rustling of dancing leaves. My heart, beating. The whirrrr of wind encompassing my entire... soul, really.

Like puzzle pieces swirling into place.

It just felt, right. Like... this is what life is all about. Life is beautiful. Truly. I felt it. Saw it. Smelt it. Touched it. That very night.

 

Life is beautiful.

It always has been.

That's what God meant it to be.

Those moments, tucked away, tender, personal, are exactly what He meant them to be.

They are beautiful.

We have a choice. Every single day. Life can be beautiful. Or not. 

I haven't been choosing beauty. I've been choosing hard. busy. stressful. long. discouraging.

Oh August, forgive me. Forgive me for letting you slip so easily through my fingertips. For not appreciating your beauty in everything. even the way your rays shine through my blinds and wake me up in the morning. 

Because soon you will be gone... and I will yearn for you.

So to you, from me:

I vow from this moment on to not waste one more second of precious august air. I promise to breathe deep. close my eyes.

listen.

feel.

I promise to roll my windows down more. and let the loose strands of hair go whatever way they please. I promise to eat more fruit. and let my hands get sticky. I promise to go barefoot. and paint my toenails. I promise more campouts and star gazing.

I promise less tears and more laughs.

I promise more I'm sorry's and I forgive you's.

I promise more I can do this, and less I want to quit.

I promise to choose beauty.

Because I can't stand do live another day without it. 

Thanks for  your soft, intimate reminder that warm summer evening.

Sincerely yours,
R.

Drew Barrymore.

overwhelmed.

underpaid.

heavy-minded. hearted.

And clueless.

'Bout sums me up.

We are moving.

In... 

T-minus... 

24 days.

Yikes.

We have.. 

1 car.

No jobs.

A teensy weensy apartment.

Lots of love.

Annnnnd....

that's about it.

Easy breezy Covergirl right? 

WRONG Drew Barrymore. WRONG. 

So not easy. So not breezy. And I definitely wish I had the complexion of Covergirl. But that's beside the point.

The point is-

I am flippin stressed out. 

Phew. That's out. 

Annnnd- my lips are chapped.

Could there be a worse combination?! Besides Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey? 

(Okay fine I don't even watch it but let's be honest... American Idol would have maybe still had a pull on me without them...Sorry AI- The Voice has officially won me over... )

So besides listening to Pink & F.U.N.'s new song on repeat.. any suggestions on how to do it?

(Judge me. I dare you.)

I happened upon this quote by my all-time favorite Great Uncle:

In my ninety plus years, I have learned a secret. I have learned that when good men and good women face challenges with optimism, things will always work out! Truly, things always work out. Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out. 

- President Gordon B. Hinckley

So I guess that's where I'm at. Well at least for now. Until my next emotional break down when I realize we have NO idea what we are doing. Thank goodness for a patient, go-with-the-flow husband. We take turns being the rock. But as of late? He's had to be the rock... a bit more. Again, thank goodness. 

I guess it just kind of hit me this week.
The reality of moving forward with faith. Having no idea what on this earth, could possibly come next.

Am I really thinking about opening a preschool?
Do I really want to get my certification this fall? Go back at school?
Will we ever sell our apartment contract?
What the heck am I doing for a job this summer?
When does Snowie open? Should I apply there? 
Are we going to be able to even buy butter at the grocery store?!
Do I have to start SEWING all our own clothes?!

I mean really. Totally unrealistic thoughts like that.

It's natural when you are having an almost quarter-life crisis. Trust me. So are cold flashes, acne, and nightmares involving Usher.

Anywho.

You ever been there? Cuz we are smack dab in the middle of it.

Like I said, overwhelmed, underpaid, and...nearly exhausted.

But I guess with a little faith, love, and utter desperation we are going to make it. Right? Not all good things come to an end?

So basically what it's all coming down to is... trust.

Trust that it will all work out. That somewhere in this spider webbed mess of life there is purpose. Divine purpose. That will lead us, if we are trying with all our might to get there, where we need to be. I know it. Not always, but right now, more than usual, I know it. I feel it. And I can't deny it.

So here I am.

Writing it down as proof.

Proof when all H-E-... well when everything comes crashing down, I can remember that at one time, even if but a small moment in time,  I knew it. I felt it. And I would not deny it.

Because let's be honest- we all need that little push sometimes. That reminder that we knew we wanted this. And knew we could do it. No matter what this life entails.

And that HE trusted us enough to do it. And do it well.
Because He knew we would try our very best.

You can never grow from where you think you should be, you can only grow from where you really are.

And that is all he asks.

And for me... that's worth it.
(Anticipate a possible mood change- again, part of the quarter-life crisis...)

To be able to lay awake laughing at night with the hunk-a-hunk-a-burnin love (shout out to Adam Levine's battle round choice)  laughing right along with me. Or come home after a long day of intervening, putting back together, kicking, crying, heck even the occasional ball to the face, to that blue-eyed boy that makes my world go round. And most important- to go out on an absolute limb not knowing where we will step next, knowing we will be okay because we are together.

hand in hand.
clasped tighter than ever.

That is what makes it all worth it.

Ya know what I mean?

I've got a permanent picker-upper when life gets hard.
And someone I get to pick up when he stumbles and falls too.

And we have so much fun doing it. 



We are equal. He and I.

And I guess I just really love that.

That's all for now my most fond friends.

R. 

Moments.

Sometimes things happen that make you... stop.

For a minute.

Just a small moment in time.

And remember.

Remember moments you didn't realize you lived. Small ones that have been tucked away somewhere special. Big ones that take you by absolute surprise.

And those moments that change, just in the smallest bit, who you are.

Like when your Dad whispers a little something in your ear like, "Sometimes dreams really do come true, don't they?" as you take your first dance.

Or when, for the first time ever, you look into the eyes of your husband.

That alone is something indescribable.

Or when you kiss your mom goodbye as you embark on the craziest journey of your life. With someone else holding your hand.

Or those special hugs with those special people.

Friends.

Sisters.

Grandpas.

Nieces.

Moms.

Dads.

Or all those in-between moments where you find yourself giggling.

All those discrete subtle moments that usually go unnoticed.

Well, last week that happened for me.

I opened a small package, slid a thin disk into the DVD player, and pressed PLAY... and that all happened.

See for yourself.

Come experience some of the most tender moments of my life, with me.

With us.

8.28.12. Temple from Rachel Jackson on Vimeo.

8.28.12. Reception from Rachel Jackson on Vimeo.


Yours truly,
R.