Once upon a Valentine's Day.

It's the Day of Love, it's Valentines Day and I am so excited to spend today with you. But you know I'm not just going to tell you what we are going to do. You are going to have to work for it a little bit and have some fun along the way! I am going to tell you some reasons why I love you, and why I want to be with YOU tonight.... I have placed some Love Notes all over Logan. Each note is at a certain location that explains a little bit about why I've fallin' for you. Each note contains a clue as to where the next Love note is. I'm calling it the Love Hunt. So you better start NOW, get going so you can find all the Love notes in time! 
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Every good story has a strong beginning, suspenseful/exciting climax, and somewhat of a resolving ending.


And, as much as I want to tell a really good story... I have... none of those.


So I'll start by saying this.


Happy Valentine's Day (A day late).


In this past, I've written about my love for family. And friends. I've written about the word 'love' and what it means. I've written about how single I was, or how many people around me were in love. I've written about my mom, my sisters, my nieces and nephews.


But today. This year. I'm writing about me. And of course, him.

I guess you could say this was the first  year I actually had a date on Valentines. And not just a random. Not just a crush. But somebody I sincerely wanted to be out with. Someone who actually means the world to me. Someone I love. 

(Woah what? Is she doing a sappy love post? Is this really happening? I thought she hated PDA?)


I know, I know. Believe me... I do. I still cringe at the sight of the Cafe Rio couple (you all know the kind, there's one in EVERY line, without fail) hanging off of each other, lips smacking with every other breath they take. I still feel weird reading Facebook statuses about 'how cute my boyfriend is' or looking at pictures of 'me and my amazing boiii smooching!! lol :):)'.


Yuck.


I'm stifling a gag.


But that's not what this is. It's just... a little something I want to share. Not because I want to brag about how much better my boyfriend is than yours, or that I have a boyfriend, or that I think I'm all that. No no no. Don't even go there.


It's just something I want to share. From my heart, to yours. Because I am in love. And totally okay with that.


And because, well, this post was inspired by Valentines day- and that's all about love.


So here goes. (I have no idea what's coming next...) 


Sometimes the unexpected, the unthinkable, the unfathomable, happens.


People change. Friendships die. Tears fall. Knees scrape. Bones break. Marriages fail. Loved ones pass. Nail polish chips (okay that one was for me). Accidents happen. Mistakes are made.


You get hurt. Your heart breaks.


And all you want to do is go back. Rewind. Forget the bad and remember the better.


You long for those days spent laughing with your best friend, prepared to face the world with each other side by side. You reminisce on nights spent lying on the tramp with your sisters, laughing without a care in the world. You remember the innocence of childhood, the days lost wandering through fairy fields and making mud pancakes.


And you want it all back.


You want to trade in your tests, papers, assignments, lost friendships, messy room, empty gas tank, diminishing bank account, major life decisions, headaches, heartbreaks, and dirty laundry baskets for popsicles in summertime and bare feet on cement sidewalks.


Something simple.  Something easy.


But that's not the way it works.


As a wise man once said,

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses, simultaneously applied. When those trials are not consequences of [our] own disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels [we] are prepared to grow more. Therefore, He gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get from where [we] are, to where He wants [us] to be, requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain." 

- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

And so we take it. We do it. We wake up the next day. We push through the snowstorms of life like the pioneers across the plains. We do it because we have no other choice.


There is no 'take over now' switch when an infant won't stop screaming at 3 o'clock a.m.
There is no 'I'm done' button when a teenager pretends not to care.
There is no 'give me a different trial' lever when a best friends leaves.


We are here. We are learning and we are growing. We don't give up because that's not what we're here to do. We won't be pushed beyond our limits.


Will we break? Probably.


But that's sometimes the only way we will really let Him in to put us back together.


So. What's my point to all of this? How does this all fit together? (We'll see if it does...) 


Well, I will be the first to say, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I say things I don't mean. I forget birthdays. I spend too much.


And, the last 6 months of my life (okay 7... okay 10... okay 12) have been crazy to say the least. I have had my fair share of ups and downs. I've had confusion. Excitement. Heartbreak. Joy. Chaos. Hurt. Understanding. Betrayal.


But I've had him. Through it all. (Not to say he hasn't been the source of some confusion and chaos, but hey- what would real love be without any of that right?) And last night I was reminded of that. Last night I went back. Back to those childhood days playing dress-up and eating EL Fudges. Or at least that's the way I felt.


It was simple. And easy.


I went on a scavenger hunt, finding 14 clues of 14 things he loves about me. (Ending at the spot he first said 'I love you' after his mission... not bad eh?)
I wore a red dress. And heels.
He picked me up in a tie with a single red rose tied with black ribbon.
We ate dinner by candlelight.
He gave me a gift.
We ate shakes from my favorite restaurant, at home.
We watched a movie, and went 'star gazing' with a constellation just for me.
He kissed me goodnight.
And I fell even more in love with my best friend.


So yes, it was a Happy Valentine's Day. The best yet in fact.

Thanks D. Thanks for reminding me what it feels like to be carefree. Important. And most of all, in love.


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YOU MADE IT! CONGRATS! That's quite the journey you've been on. I hope being here again makes you think of that night where I got the guts to say "I love you," and guess what, I still do! I LOVE YOU RACHEL. For so, so many reasons. You may be asking yourself, "Now What?" Well, I sent you on this journey for two reasons: 1, to tell you some reasons why I am crazy about you, and 2, invite you to a formal Valentines Day dinner with ME, tonight at seven. I want to tell you a little bit more about why I love you, but this time, face to face.... Please RSVP, and if you do, I will be on your doorstep at seven to spend tonight with the only person in the world I want to. 

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY RACHEL. 

Mommy Moment.

No, this is not an announcement. 

I am not pregnant. 

Relax.

I'm just having a mommy moment. 

Confused yet? Perfect. 

Here's the real story...

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Today I don't feel like doing aaaannnnyyyythaaaang. I just w a n n a lay in my beeed. 

snooze.

Today I don't feel like doing aaaannnnyyyythaaan-- 

snooze.

My eyes felt like slits. Opening them was like peeling the wrapper of a string cheese. 

Unreasonably difficult. 

Yes I had stayed up later than intended the night before. Yes it was 8:10 am. And yes I still hate mornings.. so saying I was 'more tired than usual' might be a stretch.. but still. It was rough. 

Definitely not a day for kickboxing. I could hear my body rejoicing at the decision already. 

I drug myself out of bed and into the bathroom without even opening my eyes. Talent? Thank you. I work on it daily. 

I somehow made it to class. And then another one. But that was it. I was homeward bound.

The bitter wind hit my face like icicles off a church roof. My ears felt like Bear Lake in January. 

I walked in my door in a haze, my stomach stirring in confusion. The call from my bed was almost audible. 

3 hours and one class later... it hit. 

My legs creaked. My head spun. My stomach churned. My body cringed.

I took a warm shower. Didn't help. 

I got in sweats... still to no avail. 

I curled up on the couch and put my homework away. My body groaned even more. 

Then somebody came through door. Sat down next to me. Pulled me close. And told me it would be okay. And the pain lifted. Just a little.

Little did I know the next 3 hours would be the worst yet. Little did I know my headache would worsen with the smack of the Linoleum floor and my nerve sensitivity would heighten with every movement.

That's when I realized what I really needed. 

That cheerful voice. Those tender blue eyes. That heart-warming smile. 

I needed her.

Call me cheesy but there are moments that are touchable only my mothers. Tears that are only wiped by her sleeve. Cuts that are only healed with her kiss. Hearts that are only healed through her hugs. 

Those moments where nothing and no one else are ever enough.

I was that five-year-old little girl again with scraped up knees. 

I was that twelve-year-old seventh grader scared to death of forgetting my locker combination.

I was that seventeen-year-old high school graduate so unsure of anything to come.

I was walking out of my first college final stress wrinkling my forehead and tears staining my cold cheeks. 

I was sitting on the floor of my apartment bedroom, feeling broken and alone.

I was teaching a hundred beautiful children in the hills of Thailand. 

I was snuggled on the couch by the fire on Christmas Eve. 

And right then, that Thursday evening, I was a twenty-year-old girl needing her mom to stroke her hair. Make her Ramen. Bring her ice chips. Tuck her favorite blanket tightly around her. Rub her back. 

And just be there. By her side. When her eyes drifted to a close and when they creeped open again. Just because that's what mommies do. At least ones like mine.

Come What May.

Sometimes we don't know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory. 

But sometimes. On Thursday nights. When we get the flu.. we cherish those moments. Those moments that created some of the most valued memories of our lives. Those moments only a mother can truly understand. 

So to all the mommies (or soon-to-be's, or one-day-want-to-be's, or heck- even for the daddies!), 

Take the time. 

Create the moment. 

Because one day it will be a memory us kids will always remember. 

Until my next scraped knee,

R. 

Long Weekends. Garage sale blankets. And running charades.

mel·an·chol·y [mel-uhn-kol-ee] adjective; noun

a gloomy state of mind; sober thoughtfulness

I am feeling.... mel·an·chol·y.

So.


Lemme tell you about a few things that made me happy the past 3 days. 
Because I had an amazing weekend.

I had dinner with my best friend and his girl (also my good friend- cutie.)

I walked on a half frozen Bear Lake.... (Who woulda thought?)

 

With some of my closest friends...

 

And went sledding. As a train. Down a massive hill...

And it was seriously fun.


Few of my favorite things from the weekend? 

Running charades with Case and Ry. 
Lazy movie afternoons.  Thank you Sherlock Holmes and garage sale down comforters (Sick! Of course I washed it. And it was from a very well kept, well-known home. Lay off.)
Italian Thanksgiving. "It's not delivery it's Degiorno!"
Memory foam beds. With my pink blanket.
Despicable Me.
Seeing a big sister carry her little sister up a massive sledding hill. Multiple times.
Watching couples be (and fall) in love (Cheesy but so true).
Love Sacs.
Boys vs. Girls.

Few of my favorite quotes from the weekend? (I know..these are always the worst because when you weren't there it's not funny.. but I don't want to forget them, so I've gotta write em down somewhere!)

"No one cares about the syllables Ryan!!"  -Casey  (She loves him I swear)
"Rach! No more peanut butter. You've been eating it all day." -Cameron Scott Ryther (PB addict?)
"MELANIE MITCHELL!!" - Jon (Last I checked it was Paul Mitchell???)
"It's like...zee bottom of zee bag of cheer-i-os" - German Youtube man/ Cameron Scott Ryther via middle of sacrament meeting Sunday (So reverent?!)
"NONE 'A THAT!" - Jon
"It's someone who does surgery on your brain!!" - Emily Osterloh
"WHAT MONTH IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?!" - David Steven Jackson


Ah. Needless to say, the last minute trip to Bear Lake was a hit. In fact, a hit that will keep hitting for months to come. 


Yeah. It was one of those trips. 


The ones that make you grateful for friends. Friends who understand you. Think about you when you aren't there. Appreciate you for who you are. And make time to spend time with you. 


It was a weekend filled with learning. Couples learning new things about each other. A little girl learning how to braid. A best friend learning how to put their guard down. A cousin learning how much certain little girls look up to her. 

It was a weekend for remembering. A group of friends remembering what's really important. Remembering how fun it is to take chances and be together. Amidst all the hustle and bustle of college life. Amidst the distance. Amidst the busy schedules and new relationships. Remembering how it feels to let bygones be bygones, and let new memories form. 


And a weekend about a girl who forgot how good it feels to feel this good. How little it takes to be happy. How simple life can be when you let it. 

And how tender the inbetween moments will always be, when you take time to listen... and let yourself feel... 

Not all friendships will last forever. But the ones that matter, the ones we take time to nourish, will. Not all memories will go unforgotten. But the ones that made a difference, the ones that reshaped and rebuilt, won't. 

We decide what matters. Every. Single. One of us.  
We decide what makes us happy. We decide how simple life will be. We decide what it takes to make something right. And what we are willing to do to get there. 

And when we realize that, we will be the ones seeping into a memory foam mattress, covers snuggled tightly around us,  with a smile on our face. Because we will be the ones that made it happen.

To long weekends and hot showers,

R. 

 ....Oh yeah. And to moments like these... 

Over and out. 

#Hashtagfrenzy. Philosophy. And Mother Teresa.

I'm having a blog moment.

An itch.

And I am so gonna scratch it.

I haven't had a blogging itch in a while. And oddly... I love these itches.

And beware. I'm in one of those moods. (No no no, put the tissues away. Not a philosophical one. I know. Phew!)

One of these moods....

I am mid-room-clean. Sitting on an inside-out tee shirt in fact. My bed's unmade. Shoes, plastic bags, a backpack that needs unpacking, and the hood of my coat sit on the floor next to me.

My calendar still says December 2011. #justrippeditdownandrealizedineedanewone. #ihavenomoney. #poorcollegestudent

A broken picture frame lies untouched and unfixed on top of my printer.

A tried-and-with a turned up face-re-wrapped chocolate sucker sits on my desk. It's sick. You would've too. Trust me.

Oh yeah. And my bed head Shimmer Bronze Shake-It Loose Powder For Face & Body sits right next to that. Hand me down from my oldest sister's mission. She's 11 years older than me. And..she's been home for 7 years. But it's still almost 3/4th's the way full. So we're good.

How late is too late to give a wedding gift? #justgaveonetomyfriendwhogotmarriedoneyearago (p.s.. if you don't understand #hashtags... you should probably look that one up. AKA: twitter. And maaaaaaaaaybe ask around. Becuase. Well. They're kind of taking over... everything these days. Trust me.. I'm a kid in the 20th century)

Oh and how old is too old for pictures posted around your room? Mine are going on 10 months. Time for an update?

I love Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. #thanksanniebear.

I'm in a #hashtag mood. If you couldn't tell. And I haven't decided if I actually enjoy #hashtags or if I enjoy #hashtags just to make fun of #hashtags #tweeter #Iknowtweeterfans-it'ssupposedtobe'twitter'. And if this is all way over your head...don't worry. I hear "it's a twitter thing." And I don't have twitter. Nor will I ever. Just FYI.

Anyways.

You know what else I love?

Good deals. #shoes@tjmaxxfor$24,normally$96.
Space heaters. #sorrydarlaIoweyou50bucks #lovecollegeapartments
Washing my face at night. #IfeeldirtywheneverItryandweareyeshadow
Down comforters. #garagesale8bucks #booyahgrandma

Oh yeah. And Christmas. #qualityfamilytime #uglysweaterpartieswhereIgettobeuglyANDcoolatthesametime #muddybuddies3timesthisseason

Okay. Phew. Done with the #hashtags. Becauseit'sreallyannoyingtonottypewithanyspaces. So...adios amigo. #nohableespagnol. #I'mdoneIswear.

But all jokes and #hashtags and tweeters aside, I love holidays. All of them. Even (let me grab my planner and search for a random one....) groundhog day. There's a good one.

This holiday season... rocked. So hard. So crazy. But so fun. And not just because I had that one guy to share it with. You know the one. But also... because I got to see them...

I know. And we are still missing six. 

I spent so many nights sitting at my kitchen counter with my siblings gathered round listening to my worries. Validating my fears. Creating solutions. And celebrating in my joys. (Too many big words? Sorry.. I just really meant them!)

This time of life can be rough. And really, really confusing. It can hurt. Definitely. But it can be fun. With the right people. And fulfilling. And actually exciting.

And today.. I'm grateful for those right people in my life.

(Yep. I just transformed. Philosophical mode here I come. Maybe it was the bowl [and a half] of Special K I just downed? After the chicken/potato/cornbread dinner. And 4 oreos n'milk. And peanut butter cup?)

I'm grateful for a dad that takes time to make me laugh. Who hugs me when I stand next to him. And plays with my hair when he comes up behind me.

I'm blessed to have a mom that makes my life important. And makes a place for me in hers. Who laughs at my seriously-not-funny jokes. And would give anything to see me happy.

I'm thankful for a sister with wisdom way beyond my years. Who knows just what to say, and exactly when to say it.

I'm lucky to have a niece that makes me excited to get her out of bed after her nap. Because she is just as excited to see me too.

I appreciate the fact that I have a best friend/boyfriend (I know I know. But not in that "look how cool I am because I have a boyfriend" sort of way, or that "my boyfriend's cooler than your boyfriend" kind of way...we'll leave that to the lame tee shirts.) who is willing to stick around when times get tough. Who knows me well enough to care when something's wrong. And does anything to make it right.

I'm thrilled I have the chance to live my life as me and no one else. I'm thrilled I can write to express myself. And read to imagine a life beyond my own.
I'm overwhelmed by the fact I truly can ignite change.
I'm changed by the people I've met and the places I've seen across the world.
I'm broken by the poverty. The pain. And the heartbreak of so many souls in that distant land that forever holds a part of my heart. Yet I'm overjoyed by the bright faces I still see if I close my eyes.

But most of all, I'm here. Right here. Talking to you. Writing for me. Rolling my eyes at the #hashtags and tweets, the status updates and the text tones. Yet I checked facebook twice today. Irony at it's finest.

No but seriously, I mean that. I'm right where I need to be. I know that. I feel that.
And you are too. But if you're not, and you know you're not.. get there. It's so worth it. I promise.

Because once you're there, all the tears, the hurt, the pain, the laughter, the smiles, and the memories will mean something. They will be molding you just the way they were meant to. For just the right reason. So that you end up, as just the right person you were always meant to become.



Thank you Mother Teresa. You're an inspiration to us all.

Off to play Wacky Six,
R.

Oh yeah p.s.... tomorrow is my first day of school. I feel the paper due date hanging over my shoulders already. Where's the chocolate brownies? No no no. Scratch that. Muddy buddies.
Over and out.