stumped.

Disclaimer: Beware. Raw material ahead.

Ya know what I despise?

anger.

it's like sitting around a campfire watching the raging flames seer holes through the wood, and feeling the smoke burn your lungs, sting your eyes, and blur your vision.

frustration.
hurt.
pain.

being cold. 

and no matter how many layers or how long you stand in the sun, or how high your socks are you just can't ever get warm. 

bitterness.
fear.
confusion.
long days.

allergies.

the itching. burning. rubbing. aching. pulsing. exhaustion. that wears on for m.o.n.t.h.s. without end.

fights.
headaches.
traffic.
tears.
bruises.
sore throats.
attitudes.

sleepless nights. 

staring into the darkness with begging eyes and a wrung out heart. Wishing sleep would wrap it's arms around you and hold you tight until the sun warms your cheeks. Psh. Only in fairytales.

disrespect.
profanity.
selfishness.
bills.
goodbyes.
regret.

And doubts.

Doubts of my own abilities.
Doubts of my own knowledge. and feelings. and heart.

I despise it all. every last bit of it.

And sometimes I feel all of that. Sometimes I get angry. fight. hurt. cry. give up. give in. regret. doubt. and in the end... wind up broken and confused. Don't you? And you lie there thinking what is this really all about? Life. This crazy roller coaster of life.

What if we all just...

Came down.
Let go.
Understood.

why.is.it.so.hard.

How about you... do you ever feel that way? (Tell me it's not just me...)


Do I write for sympathy? For comfort and reassurance from somebody out there? No. In all honesty, I don't. I probably shouldn't even write at times like this. But that's just it.

That's what fuels me.

Rawness. Reality. Security.

I can write whatever I feel and that's okay. It won't judge me or make me feel crazy. It will ebb and flow and etch comfort into my soul.

It's my safe place. my rescue. my haven.

The one place on this earth I can be me. In every aspect. And it's okay.

So stop here if you need to. Really. I understand. Sometimes it's too much for people and I respect that. Truly.

As for the rest of you, buckle up and let's figure this out together. What do ya say?

Sometimes we get stumped.

As parents. students. sisters. brothers. wives. husbands. children. friends.

We don't know where to go, or how to get there.

We yearn for something great. An answer. A cure-all. That light bulb that will one day switch on and say, "you're patience has prevailed: this is how you do it. this is how you carry on." 

... right?

Well shoot. I hate to break it to you, to me, but... I don't think that's gonna happen.

But oh how I wish it would. Just every now and then. Just grab my hand and say- it's okay. Come this way. Say this. Hold out for that. And it will all be alright.

It will all be alright. 

I want to be that little girl running to her mom with a skinned up knee and runny nose.
I want to wrap up in that blanket. And close the shutters.
I want to hold that little baby in my arms and hush their hurting cry. Calm their unknown fears.
I want to tell that mother of that teen that they will one day understand. Remember. Cherish. and do.
I want to make that glass of hot cocoa. Curl up by the fire. Grab a book. And close the world out. Just for a little while. 

I want it to all be alright.

Because I've been there. I know what it feels like.

I've felt the loving arms of my mom as she kisses it all better.
I've found that blanket.
Held that little baby.
Been that teenager.
Drank that hot cocoa.
Read that book.

And felt alright.

And so have you. Remember? We've done it before. We've made it through hard things. 
We've healed our broken hearts. Cleared up our confusion. Said sorry. Let go of the anger, bitterness, and hurt. We've clocked out of those long days and found eventual sleep on those sleepless nights. The allergies stopped. (right? tell me they have or else I swear I won't make it through the next few months...). The tears dried. The bills got paid and the selfishness gave in.

And most of all, we felt alright.

So whose to say we can't do it again?

Let's give our trust back to whom it belongs. The one who knows us best. Who knows what we are capable of. What we need. What will, in the long run, through thick and thin, help us become something different. Something better.

He knows you. and me.

He loves us.

Let's let Him in together shall we? Let Him heal us.

Let Him take care of the worry over our child. husband. wife. friend. sister. brother. parent.

Let Him help us feel alright.

I pledge. At least to try.

You in?

Now let's go make some cocoa.

From my glass to yours,

R.